Snark

You know I have heard that being mean/angry/sad is more work than being happy.

Then why does it seem so hard to be happy if I am just too tired to be anything but sad? Where is the line that I crossed and how do I get back?

The OCD symptoms are agonizing - ruminating, catastrophizing, biting the inside of my lip (who knew? I have done that for YEARS).

I can't get my mind to turn off. It just keeps going in circles. I am looking at the sky and worried i will lose my balance. or a bird will shit on me. what happened to the expansive endlessness? i want to look up and see that and not feel like i have to hold on to maintain my sense of being grounded.

i feel so grounded that i am stuck.

ahh, progress

I am about to not do what I want to do.

What I want to do is write that I have been meaning to....

but I am not.

Instead, I will say - look at the sky. I mean, really look at it.

It is expansive - deep - endless.

That is where I will begin. With the idea that there are endless directions from here - and that I imagine this opportunity will provide a place where i can explore and return to me. return to a deeper awareness and a strengthened sense of self.

i look forward to welcoming myself back to looking up a the sky. really looking.