by the way

30 lbs and counting.

feel stronger, confident, centered - feel healthier, proud - calm.

working out in the morning rounds out my edges for the day, almost every day.

keep meditating, friend, that is polishing those rounded edges.

why we bully.

thinking about how we talk to kids about bullies, and it goes like this.

what do we need to grow? we know plants need food and light, soil, air.

what about us?

 if that is true, how do your friends have an impact on growing you? what is their intent? did you tell them that? how did they know? who decides how that feels for you?

so, when a friend does something kind, it makes you feel....


and you feel _____________- because.....

what if your friend said something mean.

what purpose does that serve? what is their intent?  HOW DID THEY KNOW? did they guess, or did you give them that information?

 who is responsible for how you feel?

do you agree or disagree with your friend? what do you think they are REALLY saying?

when someone says hurtful things, does that grow you?


what about when someone is kind. does that grow you? why or why not?


kids are so impacted by what others say. how can i help them see beyond that?

the immeasurable climb to the top and then teetering..

I have been with the same person for 17 years. I had an experience the other night with him that made we wonder if anything conceivable could actually extend beyond that experience.


wow.

I continue to meditate, and have a more conscious relationship with my body - and food - than I every have had in my life.

I am grateful for recognizing that I am a mindless eater and I tune out my inner voice. I have learned to diversify what is on my plate, add more flavors, cook more often, and eat more mindfully.

I am relieved that I am finally in a place to do this work - and look forward to the continued journey.

Chaco Canyon solo.

What a kind gift of silence I have given myself, and to come back feeling so sore and worried - it is a motivator.

To be present.

To keep moving.

To keep living right now.

Looking forward to starting meditation in less than 2 weeks, and look forward to making it more present in my life so I can be.

what it amounts to is that there is a fine line between insight (what we are willing to own of what we do and our willingness to reflect on it) and intrepretation (what makes us entitled/eligible to be the expection - and where we define ourselves within a systemic ethical framework.

Can you confidently say you are MORE right or MORE aware than anyone else? is this an act of rejecting me and avoiding me b/c she feels i am not stating my stance about her dilemma of summer school coordinator being defined on a timeline or as a role.

Within that, the conflict that this is someone who has CONSISTENTLY said "I do the job, and I am not defined by a contract".

1. what does the contract say?

2. what do you think your expectations of yourself are?  (not WHAT are they, what do you think of them and your responsibility to them?)


yes, it is implied that you are responsible for meeting expectations.

is that reasonable?


do i rely on you a lot for guidance and do i overtalk my process? yes - and i can work on that. if that is something that is getting harder, please say so. i can hear it.

time and time again you tell me - 'see you can do it' and i continue to lean on you. it is time for me to be more confident and assured that i will continue to do things with integrity.

As long as I continue to do things with integrity.

That is my struggle - and it is not always easy to identify OR navigate integrity when the heat is turned up.



which would i rather struggle with more? a lack of confidence. why? b/c struggles with my responsibilities for expectations is not something i can argue - and it is humbling to come face to face with that.

maybe you feel that me teaching AND counseling is an example of the same thing.



i hope we can talk about this and come out in one piece on the other side.

i think we can....

i need more time.

Me, Me, Me

I want. I don't need the boys to be here. I want them. I want the hot air balloons floating over our heads and the leaves falling from the trees onto our feet and the kids at the playground seeing us as we trample out of the car and onto the equipment.

As much as I enjoy the kids at school - I want to be with my child - my husband.

I know I will soon.

Sometimes, soon isn't soon enough.

ughh

i feel hideous. am i pregnant? will i make it until the end of the week without caving and buying a test?

will i make it until the end of may before caving and running into the hills from this chaos at work?

come on june 4th. don't leave me in a lurch. get me out in the mountains and in a healthier state of mind. screw the fucked up files and audits.

screw the termination process and paperwork.

screw wondering if my things will be intact at calverton in the fall.
screw wondering if i will be intact at calverton in the fall.

screw towson and the ongoing netherworld of equality that doesn't exist in credentialing.
give me that old fashioned summer break.

gimme gimme!